Glitches - December 24th, 2018 [Results]

Following the incredibly expensive and impressive signature for Elysium’s new brand Glitches we cut to ringside at The Dungeon where we see Elysium Interviewer Yuki Kita standing alongside Bon Klassen. Kita welcomed us to the show and she didn’t let Klassen get a word it, which I applaud because that guy is a fucking idiot.

Kita directed our attention to the ring where a large looking man, very Russian in appearance stood. Those of you with some taste would know that this man is Vitoly Volkov, an original member of the Elysium roster and all around bad ass. Volkov, in his thick Muscovite accent welcomed everyone to Glitches and The Dungeon.

The camera panned around to show the disgusting basement, a grouping of mid-sized bleachers on three sides of the ring with some standing space in front of them. The place looked like a breeding ground for black mould and gang related executions.

Cut back to Volkov and his stern expression, he said that although Glitches is meant to be an environment with relaxed rules that did not mean that there would be no authority. “Volkov is law in The Dungeon. Volkov is unbreakable.” he said, like an 80s action movie villain.

As if on cue, a particular drunk and slovenly fan decided to test his mettle. The fan entered the ring and tried to step to Volkov only to feel the cold, Russian grip of death around his throat. The fan’s legs dangled comically for a few moments before Volkov effortlessly tossed the mark over the top rope. The fan landed right on his head and it’s quite possible that he died but we are not doctors here.

The first ever match in The Dungeon (at least, the first televised match) saw man-mountain-fantastic-beast Eschaton take on friend-to-curtain-jerkers Tommy Kapston of Static Age. Kapstone came out alone, likely in a bid to prove that he is fearless but also mildly autistic. I wouldn’t want to fight this fucking nightmare person. Kapstone rushed Eschaton off the top but ate a clothesline for his troubles. Eschaton tossed Kapston all over the place with a bunch of suplexes. Kapstone was able to make a move when Eschaton went for an ill-advised Burning Hammer. (That’s a super finisher, hoss. You’re not allowed to use that, yet.) Kapstone popped Eschaton with his Flashbang jumping spin kick and then hit a lionsault for a two count. Kapstone tried to keep Eschaton grounded with some joint manipulation but it’s kind of hard to play thumb war with someone who calls himself The End of All Things. Speaking of which, that is also what he calls his finisher -- clearly someone is lacking in the creativity department. Eschaton put some distance between himself and Kapstone before smashing Kapstone with a Revelations kick. Eschaton (running on diesel power) hit The End of All Things jacknife powerbomb and pinned for the three count.

Winner: Eschaton

Following the match Eschaton stepped on the side of Kapstone’s head and I’ll be honest, I think he was trying to legitimately hurt him. Luckily the curtain jerkers, Kara Scene and Leland Morgan rushed the ring. Honestly, they were probably just salivating at the opportunity of being on camera that they were willing to risk being murdered. Eschaton decided that he didn’t want blood on his hands this night so he exited the ring area and walked to the back as Static Age regrouped.

“Kodiak” Carter Williams is shown getting ready for his match when Eschaton walks through the curtain. As hoss rules dictate, the two mountains-made-man stare at each other and nothing is said. They do their talking with their muscles. Eschaton scoffs and heads onward, and why wouldn’t he? His night is over. Williams snarls and steps through the curtain looking to kill someone.

Don’t let anyone tell you different -- sometimes wrestling can be sad. This was not one of those times, this was hilarious. “Kodiak” Carter Williams stomped to the ring and it felt like the whole fucking ceiling was going to come down. Children in the audience collectively pissed themselves but The Dungeon always smells like piss so no one really cared. Van Biafra came down to the ring doing his viking schtick but no one really gave a shit because this guy hasn’t won a match since people like Gangam Style. The bell rang and Biafra ate a running big boot that sent a few of his teeth into the front row. Biafra, on auto-pilot, stood back up and walked right into a Kodiak Slam thrust spinebuster and then was lifted off of the mat by the throat and brought back down with a Carolina chokeslam. Biafra was pretty dead but Kodiak wanted to prove that death is no escape from him. Kodiak sent Biafra into the ropes and then tried to send him to the center of the earth with his Dead Lift Drop. Luckily for Biafra the mat didn’t give but Kodiak covered and got the three.

Winner: Carter Williams

The bell rang and something even funnier happened. Van Biafra started coughing up blood on the mat. It was like something out of a horror movie and a lot of people in the audience seemed grossed out but Kodiak just laughed and stomped on Biafra’s chest once more for good measure. Biafra was taken to a local hospital following this match and we’re told that he is not legally dead.

In the shitty locker room that the Glitches roster populates we see Kara Scene, Leland Morgan, and Tommy Kapstone. Kapstone is seated on a bench and is nursing his injuries following his loss to Eschaton. Morgan says that Static Age (their fun little group) is still in the Iron Title Tournament and that it is up to Kara Scene to bring home the gold. Scene says that Glitches is where they rebuild their images and she’ll start that when she pits Peaches.

The match began with the two trading some CRUISERWEIGHT moves. An arm wrench from Scene led to a headstand to front flip legsweep from Peaches. Scene kipped up and sent Peaches into the ropes before hitting Peaches with a pop-up ¾ cutter. Scene got a two count and Peaches rolled out onto the apron. Peaches attempted a springboard but Scene knocked her off of the apron with a drop kick. Scene climbed to the top rope and went for a moonsault to the outside but Peaches evaded it. Scene landed on her feet and cracked Peaches with an enziguiri. Scene sent Peaches hard into the steel steps and then rolled Peaches back into the ring. Scene went for a Japanese powerbomb but Peaches countered it into a sit-out facebuster. Peaches then climbed to the top rope and hit the Booty Drop seated senton for the pinfall and the victory.

Winner: Peaches

In the parking lot we see Elysium main roster star Anica Townsend walking into the arena. Fans clamor for autographs but The Black Phoenix doesn’t give a fuck, she is apparently here on a mission.

The next contest saw a borderline psychopath take on a powerhouse hippy. The Nightmare King (Walsh) rushed Cassidy right off of the opening bell and put Cassidy on the mat with a double leg takedown. Walsh mounted Cassidy and laid into him with a series of big shots before Cassidy shoved Walsh off. Cassidy took refuge on the outside and began arguing with a fan in the front row who was wearing a leather jacket. Cassidy reprimanded the fan for wearing animal skin but Cassidy should have had his focus on Walsh. Walsh exited the ring and Klassen noted on commentary that Walsh had taken ahold of a chair, which we could all clearly see. Walsh smashed Cassidy in the back with the chair. Kita reminded our viewers that Glitches matches were all Iron Rules and that is why Walsh was not being disqualified. Walsh smashed Cassidy in the back with the chair a half dozen times before setting it up.

Walsh used some scary power to lift Cassidy up for a death valley driver with the intent of putting Cassidy’s head through the seat of the chair. What a cunt. This didn’t work as Cassidy fought out of it, lifted Walsh up and dropped him onto the seat of the chair with a sidewalk slam. Cassidy then looked under the ring and pulled out a leather strap. The Dungeon popped for it but Cassidy made a disgusted face and tossed it away. “Linden Cassidy is a vegan, there is no way he would use leather to hurt an opponent!” Klassen noted which also served to remind us that Klassen himself also holds the position of Captain Obvious. Cassidy reached under the ring again and this time he pulled out a large rope. Klassen noted that it was made of hemp, which was helpful because that is not obvious.

The Nightmare King rolled into the ring to escape Cassidy but the self-proclaimed Spirit Guide of Modern Wrestling followed Walsh in and began whipping Walsh with the rope. Walsh crawled away and Cassidy gave him some room, “I’m going to make an example of you!” Cassidy cried out. Cassidy tried to use the hemp rope as a while but Walsh caught it, pulled Cassidy in and dropped him with his Made of Nightmare rock bottom. Walsh covered and got the three count.

Winner: Lio Walsh



We are graced with the presence of a main roster star as “The Adorkable Angel” Azurine Vebbins slums it in The Dungeon to take on The Chi-Town Striker Camille Harrington. After the bell sounds Vebbins walks to the center of the ring to bathe in the adulation of the crowd. She doesn’t get it. Harrington walked up behind Vebbins and tapped her on the shoulder. Vebbins turned and got popped with a quick series of jabs that put Vebbins on the ropes. Harrington hit a discus back elbow following an Irish whip and then planted Vebbins with an arm trap swinging suplex. Harrington set up for a Superman punch but Vebbins evaded it and hit Harrington with a dropkick. Wow. Vebbins put on her mean face and smashed Harrington in the face with a dropkick.

Vebbins exited the ring and searched under the apron, she’s no fucking dummy, she knows that weapons are a okay. Vebbins pulled out a frying pan to the surprise of absolutely no one. Vebbins entered the ring and swung the frying pan at Harrington but Harrington caught Vebbins’ arm and took her over with a hip toss. Harrington tried to keep Vebbins grounded with a head lock but Vebbins got her hands on the frying pan and she cracked Harrington in the head with it. Vebbins then set Harrington up for the Pearly Gatekeeper but would you believe that Anica Townsend came through the curtain and hit the ring. This caught Vebbins eye but Vebbins didn’t look worried as Vebbins’ tag team partner Talia Areano was hot on Townsend’s heels! Townsend hopped up onto the apron but Areano pulled her right off. Townsend blocked a roundhouse kick from Areano and then lifted her up for a spinebuster right onto the steel steps.

In the ring Harrington stripped the frying pan from Vebbins and then hit her with the aptly named Sit Down Bitch heart punch. Vebbins dropped and Harrington covered for the three count.

Winner: Camille Harrington

Harrington noticed Townsend and Areano after the bell but Townsend had already escaped through the crowd. Areano, favouring her lower back, stood up and chased Townsend through the audience.

Volkov was backstage sitting in a dirty leather recliner. It had seen better days as it was patched up with duct tape and was sporting various cigarette burns. Volkov was watching the show on a rabbit ear, tube television and is drinking a glass of VODKA. In his other hand he had a lit cigar. Volkov noticed the camera and said that with the five qualifying matches finished, he was going to announce the next stage of the tournament. “Next stage of tournament is final stage. Volkov does not wasting time, Volkov believes in action. At first Glitches of 2019 the main event will be War of Attrition match. Five competitors; Eschaton, Kodiak, Peaches, Walsh and Harrington. You are eliminated by pinfall, submission, referee stoppage, or by being put through a table. Last person standing is champion. Now leave Volkov, he wants to watch Triad Championship match.”

Talia Areano was shown running backstage, looking for Anica Townsend. Areano stopped and couldn’t seem to see The Black Phoenix anywhere. Well, Areano should have looked to the fuckin’ sky because that’s where birds live. Townsend jumped off of a road case and came down on Areano with a meteora! Townsend grabbed a nearby light tube and went to smash it over Areano’s head but Azurine Vebbins came out of nowhere and ate the proverbial bullet! The light tube smashed over Vebbins’ head and she dropped. Areano immediately checked on Vebbins which allowed Townsend time to escape, laughing like the villain that she is.

So this match was fucked. Boots Martin and Helena Handbasket, the Elysium veterans started off the action by rushing each other. Martin caught Helena with a spinning back fist but Helena fought right back by whipping Martin right into a stiff punch from Riley Rouse. Rouse then shot Martin into a monkey flip from Helena, that sent Martin flying right into a slam from Naught.

Sarah Cross and Payton Darkstar rushed Naught and sent her over the top rope with a double high knee to the chin. Rouse and Handbasket tried to rush them but Cross and Darkstar low bridged the top rope. With all three of the Dreadfulls on the outside all three members of SBA hit the opposing ropes and then dove through the ropes with three simultaneous suicide dives...but all three Dreadfuls had armed themselves with chairs. Each member of SBA went head first into the steel.

Rouse and Naught proceeded to set up two tables while Helena grabbed a ladder and slid into the ring. Might have been smarter to have two people go for the straps but this match is mayhem, I don’t expect it to make sense and neither should you. Helena set up the ladder and started climbing but Martin was back up. Martin slid into the ring and climbed up behind Helena. After a few hard shots to Helena’s kidney, Martin brought Helena off of the ladder with a Burn The Legion’s sit out powerbomb.

On the outside Rouse and Naught laid both Darkstar and Cross side by side on some tables. Rouse set up a ladder as Naught kept both Darkstar and Cross subdued with strikes. Rouse climbed to the top of the ladder and came off with a frog splash but Darkstar pushed Cross off of the ladder and Rouse came crashing down. Both Cross and Rouse lay in the rubble of the table.

Darkstar picked up a chair and tossed it at Naught but Naught caught it. Darkstar tried to rush Naught but got caught with an eye poke. “Watch it!” Naught exclaimed. Cute. Naught held up the chair and Darkstar smashed her in the side of the head with the Supermassive Blackstar kick to the chair, which smashed into Naught’s head.

In the ring Martin started climbing the ladder and Helena stood up. Helena went to engage Martin but Darkstar got up on the apron with the chair. Darkstar shouted something to Helena but Helena caught Darkstar with the Screw U! Knee to the face! Darkstar was out on her feet when Helena ripped the chair from her hands. Darkstar then let go of the top rope and Darkstar fall off of the apron, whichsent her crashing through the remaining table on the outside.

“Only one member of each team is standing, the two returning veterans!” Kita said as Helena smashed Boots in the back with the steel chair. Martin fell backward off of the ladder but landed on her feet and stumbled back into the ropes. Helena quickly started climbing but Martin slipped out onto the apron. Martin hit a springboard into the ring and hit a single leg dropkick that sent Helena’s face hard into the top rung of the ladder. We get a close up of Helena’s top lip which is now busted open. Helena fell off of the ladder and down to the mat which allowed Martin the opportunity to climb up and take hold of the titles.

Winners: New Elysium Triad Champions, Switchblade Angels

Darkstar and Cross enter the ring and help Martin down off of the ladder. All three members of SBA grab a title belt and hold it high for all to see as we go off of the air. Nice.