Helena Handbasket vs. Jamie Dorsey

When the camera turns on it reveals Helena Handbasket leaning over with her signature yellow goggles pulled down over her eyes. The brilliant mad woman is soldering something just off camera when suddenly she jerks back, pops her finger into her mouth and then shakes it out. She sets down her tools and wipes her hands off taking a step back.

Helena: “Yo, party peeps! Just some quick advice, never try to sneakily turn on a video camera while soldering a vape coil...It will result in burnt fingers. Anyway, I know I'm a bit late, but I've been training. Getting ready for my match with Mr GOAT!....Oh wait, wrong dude? Right?”

Helene at this point pulls her phone out and scrolls through Elysium Pro Wrestling's website. She flips the phone around, showing the latest Frontline card with a big grin.

Helena: “Nope! Mr. Devious Jamie Dorsey? Who the heck?”

Turning the phone around Helena scratches a hand into her unruly hair as she taps on the phone screen.

Helena: “Oh, this dude!..” Hel snickers. “No I'm kidding, who the hell? I pulled up his profile and it seems like we're both debuting. See, I told Remix that not paying attention wasn't gonna bite me in the ass! He's kinda big, and so people are gonna be like, HELENA! And I'mma be all what, Bitch!?!?! ...An their gonna be all, but you're so tiny! How you gonna compete with dat?”

Helena cackles, gleeing rubbing fingerless gloved hands together and leans in very close to the camera to wink at it behind her goggles.

Helena: “Have you seen my family?! Like really? We're ALL fighters. I think I've said that before, but what you probably may or may not know is that they are ALL bigger than me!....Seriously, I'm the runt. Ain't no lie, yo'girl wouldn't do that to you! It ain't stopped me! I've been rough and tumbling with the rest of the litter for as long as I been doin' this! I know exactly how to fight big people! His size isn't gonna matter, cause He's not gonna catch me. Simple as-”

At that moment there's a bang and the sound of Pitbull playing through speakers. The camera hastily turns around to reveal a heavily Pregnant Mighty Jo Young carrying a laundry basket and dancing around as best she can, doing a sort of shuffle and rolling her shoulders. The moment doesn't last as Helena can't help but breaking into laughter. Jo stops mid-movement and whips toward the camera swearing loudly in Spanish.

Jo: “Oi! Dois Mio, Helena! Don't do that! Sneak up on me and-”

MJY stare's directly at the camera, throwing a t-shirt over the lens.

Jo: “That thing better not be recording!”

Helena: “It's not! I swear!”

Jo: “Good!”

Jo's voice grumbling more Spanish can be heard fading out as the shirt is pulled from the camera with Helena grinning conspiratorially into the unfocused lens.

Helena: “It totally was and I'm seriously going to post that, so Mr. Kelly, I am totes sorry if I don't make it Sunday. I might get eaten by an Amazon and not in any way that's at all pleasant...Kidding that is my brother's wife and I would never.”

Helena spins her phone back toward the camera and pushes it close so the frame focus's on Jamie Dorsey's profile.

Helena: “As I was saying' that's my family. Mighty Jo's only about an inch shorter than FM. I've been fighting big people my whole life. I'm not scared of him, I mean look at this guy, he's so basic it's like he was starting for a High school league! Backhand chop? Headbutt? Bog standard DDT, one suplex? I've got like twenty different suplexes! I've monkey flipped guy's twice his size across a ring before! I'm flippy as hell and punch four times as hard as you think I can! He's going to be wondering how the hell to hit me, let alone which basic ass take down to try! He try's that spiny, tiltawhirl bitch slam of his...What does he call it?....The 808? LOL...”

She actually say's LOL out loud here, the maniac gleam never leaving those nearly hidden eyes, as she tucks her phone away.

Helena: “That's so lame, even his move names sound like he's still trying out for the local UMCA wrestling team. Where was I? Oh yeah! He tries that thing on me and I'mma hurricanrana his ass over the ropes so he can take a smoke break! I've got counter's for ddddaaayyyyy's. Submissions and counters. My bread and butter, dude. Level up some, that's all I'm saying. What's more is I've got a Screw U...Cause my move names aren't lame....that can come out of nowhere and you best believe I can land it on that rejected underwear model's square jaw. No matter how tall is he!”

The tiny blond spins around abruptly and jumps up, lifting her left knee high into the air, firmly tagging a speed bag that had been hanging in the background with the sharp part of her kneecap. She lands just easily and quickly, straightening herself out and showing a thumbs up, as the bag rattles and spins on its chain wildly from being hit so hard.

Helena: “See? That's all the proof I need. It's me that's got Jamie Dorsey's number. The only thing Mr. Devious is going to be thinking come Sunday is 'Gee it's dark in here, why am I going down so fast, and why is it so hot?”

The quirky ticking time bomb gives a jaunty two-fingered salute from the edger of her goggles and blows an overly exaggerated kiss at the camera.

Helena: “You all get that right?...Handbasket's, HE-Double Hokey sticks...Yeah you get it, I know you do.”

The camera cuts off as Helena reaches out to stop the recording.