Quarter Finals: Jake Archer vs. REDD THUNDER

Ladies and Gentlemen.... He has traveled from afar to give hope to Elysium Pro!


He has fought across the world, spreading a message of peace, love, and responsible flips and hair care!
He is the man who needs no introduction, yet has demanded this voice over!
He is the hero that Elysium Pro never knew it might someday need in the distant future, probably!

The hero of the battered, bruised, and belittled!

He is.....


THE GOAT!

JAKE!
ARCHER!

*The Man in High Demand, the Crown Jewel, The Greatest of All Time, the man known as Jake Archer practically oozes onto the screen, a smirk on his face as he slowly turns towards the camera.

God it's great being me.

I mean, let's look at the facts, people. When you think Elysium, you don't think Erik Holland or KEG. You don't assume you're going to see K-Remix, which is a weird name that you should really fix. You may think about Jeremy Starling, but then you remember the verbal beatdown I gave him on Twitter and simply wonder if he's fully recovered from getting smacked around. The only other name you might think of is Sarah Lacklan, but then there's the question of "Is it Lacklan or Lackland? What even is Lacklanland? Why didn't she talk more about the greatness that is Jake Archer?"

I tell you, much like the sideburns, I'm underappreciated in my time.

You see, I understand why many would be adverse to calling me "The GOAT". I mean, few have seen me in action, so to them this seems like bragging. They see me as the braggart of Elysium Pro, or at least they did before Starling signed his contract. So rather than let this misconception continue, allow me to explain.

When I started training, it became obvious that for all the mat work, for all the catch-as-catch-can wrestling, the fans couldn't stop talking about the high-flying aspects of wrestling. They would marvel at daredevil exploits more than they would ever appreciate a hammerlock, so why not put myself in their minds by becoming the best I could be? I would never be a powerhouse like Redd Thunder, but I could move so fast that he would never be able to catch me. I could try to match Sarah Lackland's technical prowess, but why not frustrate her with my "flippy shit" and force her to make a mistake?

So I trained. I pushed myself to fly higher, to flip more, to become as fast as I could possibly be in order to dominate this style. You can't strike me if I'm moving too fast, which negates half of Sarah's offense and all of KEG and Starling's. You can't grab me while I'm in the air, which is what I'm counting on in my match against Big Thunder. He can try, of that I have no doubt, but it'll be pretty hard to grab when I'm coming at you from every angle. And when you're dizzy from trying to keep up, BOOM! Superkicks, Superkicks, and more Superkicks.

So why am I the GOAT? Because dammit, no one can match me in the ring! No one can fly as high, no one can match my speed, and come Wideawake, I will be standing tall with the Elysium Title!

Archer tilts his head back and smiles widely, basking in the imaginary cheers of the audience.

I'm the GOAT because I say I am. And this tournament is step one in proving it to the world.

Redd Thunder, I've seen you in action. I've seen the Thunder inside the ring, I know what he can do to an unsuspecting opponent. You're a dangerous man, and I know one mistake is the difference between me leaving unscathed and a doctor doing his best to patch me up. I get that. But buddy, you've never seen a man like me before. Some may have come close, but there's only one Jake Archer, only one GOAT. And in that ring, for all your power, you can't match Greatness. I'm sorry to break it to you, but one-on-one, it's the Jake Archer Show featuring Jake Archer with Redd Thunder as an extra. Sorry bro.

Archer gives his best "Sorry Not Sorry" shrug before continuing on.

This isn't a case of being overconfident, it's the truth. I know you can't catch me big man, so let's not pretend otherwise.

So once I take care of Big Thunder, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna face Erik Holland, so let me say this now. This ain't FIW, brother. You aren't champ here. You're on the same level as everyone else, and no amount of gnashing of teeth or promises to come back like a zombie will make me believe otherwise. You're a Weapon of Human Design, cool. Catchy nickname. Good for you. My abilities are Not Of This World, bud, but you don't see me claiming to be the Man of Time and Space. Now, Man of The Hour? Sure. Heck, that's my new nickname already. But I don't need to be a weapon of any kind. I'm the GOAT. The Best. You're better than most, and certainly better than KEG. But you'll have to be better than the best to beat me, and as talented as you are, I doubt it.

Which brings me to.... Lacklan.

The smile drops just a tad, the voice gets just a little deeper, and the overall tone seems to lose a bit of its lightheartedness.

I can't wait until it's you and me in there. The way this tournament is shaping up, you and me in the finals seems to be the best bet. The GOAT vs. The Red Queen, the finals of the Wideawake Tournament, the Elysium Heavyweight Title. As it should be.

I will prove to everyone why I'm the GOAT. Why I call myself the best. And soon, everyone will see as well.

Archer gives a wink to the camera before the scene draws to a close.