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Post by Eʟʏsɪᴜᴍ Pʀᴏ on Sept 25, 2017 16:36:45 GMT -8
[Single Match]
Jonathan Cage vs. K-Remix
Deadline: Friday October 6th, 2017 at 11:59pm EST
Limits: 2 Promos of 1000 Words Each [Maximum]
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Post by K-Remix on Oct 2, 2017 0:44:35 GMT -8
Hmmmm. I got screwed out of my first title shot. Next I got screwed out of my shot at a rematch with Erik Holland. So there I am thinking that I can't possibly be in a more “fuck my life” type of mood. Then the Frontline Card comes out and I scan around looking for my name until I finally see it.
K-Remix aka Swag King Supreme
Vs
Jonathan Cage aka Dr.Rockzo the rock and wrestling clown, he probably does cocaine.
Pretty sure that's what the card said. My initial reaction?
“FUCK MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE!”
Watching his promos really is a punishment. For real, they've got the replay value of a lottery ticket. Anyway, I went on about my business. I had a match in DWF to take care of and I won their Titan Championship. At first I thought it was no big deal but then I let it sink in. I felt amazing, birds were chirping, and rainbows were shooting out of unicorn's asses. All that shit! Fast-forward a couple of days and I get the news that the DWF show I wrestled on won't be broadcast. Not only that but the federation is closing it's doors. So basically I'm right back to where I started.
“FUCK MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE!”
That's the kind of month that I've had and now I get to deal with Jonathan Cage. Yeah, the guy who got so worked up over failing at trading words with me on Twitter that he decided to join Elysium. You know, so he can now fail to trade words with me in promos. I want to be perfectly clear on something here Cage, this match is an insult. Wait…. Wait…. WAIT DAMN IT!
Before you start trotting out past accomplishments like they actually matter, let me make something else perfectly clear to you. I DON’T CARE! I didn't give a shit about you when you crawled out of obscurity to jump into my Twitter notifications and I don’t give a shit about you now. Not to go all M. Bison here but I can’t really help it. To you our little Twitter confrontation was probably the most important thing to happen to you in recent memory. For me however, it was Tuesday.
You see Cage roasting people is kinda my thing, it’s what I do. So when you decided to try to get my attention, I gave it to you. I left you as another charred corpse in my wake. I flame grilled you like a delicious Whopper. I promise that Burger King didn't pay me for that one but they probably should. To be honest with you Cage, as lit as my insults are. I don’t even think that’s the part that got to you. What got to you was the fact that I could turn you into a burn victim so easily and then keep it moving like it was nothing. Like you were nothing. With that one simple act of showing you that you didn't matter, I brought you to Elysium.
Wow! How much of a little bitch can you be? Oh wait, you've already answered that for me. As if getting all worked up over the fact that you’re nothing to me wasn't enough, there’s more. You try to come off as some kind of cerebral tactician but your actions betray your true self. You're just a weak-minded bitch. You’re the Jan Brady to Ashe Corvin's Marcia. The comparison couldn't fit more perfectly.
“I won the eWo World Championship but they only talked about how Marcia was the true star.”
“When I teamed with Marcia they said I was the weak link.”
“MARCIA! MARCIA! MARCIA!”
I get it Cage, really I do. Everybody thinks Ashe Corvin is more talented and prettier than you. Which hurts especially since the dude looks like the Grim Reaper from Bill and Ted. Yet at the end of the day this whole situation comes back to you being a little bitch. In this business people are ALWAYS going to say that one member of a team is better than another. True or not, it's what people do. Aren't you supposed to be a veteran chocked full of so much experience that you can’t even walk around without some of it leaking out of you? Or was it bullshit that you're full of? I can’t remember which it is. Oh wait, wait, it’s both. Regardless, you have all of this experience but you sure as hell don’t act like it. After all, saying somebody is the weak leak is written in the first page of the tag team trash talking playbook. Yet you let that get to you? I find your lack of balls disturbing.
Now when it comes to them still talking about Ashe Corvin even though you had won the eWo World Championship? Well Cage I've got some bad news for you. You see a championship belt is just some hunks of metal attached to a leather strap. A title is only as respected as the motherfucking man who holds it! So when you say that you were the champion and all that people talked about was Ashe Corvin? All that tells me is that nobody respected you. That actually explains a lot if you think about it. You were so ready to come after me for showing you no respect because it's what you've dealt with your entire career. The best part about that is that things aren't going to change now. You've been secretly plotting your revenge on Ashe Corvin for a long time and that blew up in your face. So what exactly do you think is going to happen against me? You've wanted to get your hands on me for what? About a month? Oh yeah, this is going to end real well for you Cage.
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Post by K-Remix on Oct 6, 2017 13:56:07 GMT -8
You know, it's very rare that I would ever attack somebody for taking a while to put out a promo. Normally I don't sweat it because we're all supposed to be professionals here. So, if there's a few days until the event I'll usually give people the benefit of the doubt. Well, that time has now passed. I get it, we've all got busy schedules and shit happens. However how busy are you exactly when you're on Twitter doing shit like this?
Pretty sure this is the wrestling equivalent of calling in sick. Then being seen on the kiss cam at a sports event. Simply put Cage, WHERE DA FUCK YOU IS!?!?!? Yeah, I don't give a shit. The English language will do whatever the fuck I want it to do and like it. I mean at least I'm actually releasing promos. I could mumble through a promo sounding like that tool bag Lil Yachty at this point and still be more competent than Jonathan Cage. We're two days away from Frontline and the only person promoting this match is me. Which is funny because the only person who people actually want to see in this match is also me. That makes me wonder. Did Jonathan Cage just take his shriveled up balls and go home? It's obvious that at one point he had them all stretched out like Laffy Taffy as they floated around in a hot tub. However, did he pack them up in a tiny suitcase and leave?
Think about it, what did he do against Corvin? This motherfucker had a promo out the same day the card was released. Yet when it comes time to face off against K-Remix? Crickets, crickets remixed even! So, that leads me to believe that there are three options for what is going on here. The first? He doesn't want to open his mouth because he knows this match is already over. Not completely out of the question since so many others have already come to that conclusion. I mean let's be real here Cage. This match is like a Nintendo cartridge, you blew this shit before the game even started. Then there is option number two which would also make a lot of since. He doesn't want to willingly throw himself into a verbal buzz-saw. This dude made Ashe Corvin look like a trash talk messiah in his promos. So, why would he even try to run his mouth to me? That'd be like Ike Quartey trying to fight Mike Tyson. Mike would hit Ike so hard that his ghost would have a concussion. Same thing with Jonathan Cage trying to talk shit to me. The last is probably the saddest option of them all. He's just done.
He came in here gunning for me to show me why it is I should respect him. However, then he took a detour to face Corvin. That's when it all fell apart for old grandpa Cage. He got exposed and the world got to see first hand that he wasn't as good as he thought he was. Nobody has heard a peep out of him since then. Well, unless you count his hot tub hijinks. You know, why don't we try something here? Perhaps we can go a little above and beyond what we normally do to see if we can wake grandpa up from his nap.
YO CAGE! You motherfucking senior citizen. I want you to know something, before I didn't respect you as a wrestler. BEFORE! Yes, before the shit you pulled this week it was only as a wrestler that I didn't respect you. After what you've shown me this week? I don't respect you as a man. So, if you duck me at Frontline and don't show up. I'm going to see you sooner or later. When I do, I will kick your cane out from under you and walk across your lawn. I will cancel your membership to AARP. I will hook up with your daughter and give her so many chest shots that she'll think I'm a paramedic. I mean you do know that's exactly what those tattoos are for right? The spiderwebs right on her cleavage? I bet she's got a tramp stamp too, front and back targets sir. Possibly for handling two people at once. I bet she's just like a carnival shooting gallery on Friday Nights. Be honest. Your grizzled wrestling veteran status probably can't hold a candle to her status as a grizzled veteran of cock can it?
Anything? Anything at all? HELLO, MCFLY! I'm not sure what else I can say here. If he still doesn't have anything to say after this airs then who knows? He might be at Frontline and he might not be. Either way, worry not my Remixians. Remxi? Remixaholics? Remix Nation? I dunno, it's a work in progress. Fan's of K-Remix. I guarantee you that even if it's not Jonathan Cage, I will fight somebody's grandpa for your entertainment. Maybe we can even get Godless to spice it up a bit. Bedpan on a pole match anyone? Perhaps the first ever depends pit fight? Or maybe a walkers, wheelchairs, and canes match?
Yeah, I'm totally not taking this promo serious anymore. But hey, me not being serious is probably more entertaining than 90% of the roster right? I can tell you for a fact that this promo is more entertaining than anything Jonathan Cage has put out this week. And K-Remix with the sick burn! Thank you, thank you.
At the end of the day people, here's what you need to know. I've been ready for this match since it was booked. I've been ready and I still am. Jonathan Cage? Again, who knows? So just do yourself a favor and tune into Frontline where I will fight Grandpa Cage. Or some random grandpa. I was totally serious about that part. Hell I'll fight a grandma if she wants to go, SOMEBODY CALL BETTY WHITE!
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Post by Jonathan Cage on Oct 7, 2017 9:12:21 GMT -8
(OOC: Real life blows. I don't know why my writers block showed up but it did. Congrats on the win, dude.) Ha ha, it seems I underestimated you, Ashe ol’boy.
Which is something that I don’t normally do when it comes to my opponents. I let my guard down for a moment and you took advantage. Big fucking deal, anyone would’ve done the exact same thing. So score one for you, Ashe. And if you’re counting No World For Tomorrow then I guess that makes us even. Which we all know that there will come a time that this war we are waging will have to come to a bitter, violent end.
Now I do remember how you wage war. I’ve been on your side during some wars you’ve been a part of in the past. So I tend to know how brutal you can be. Yet, I also can put a damper in your little plans just as quickly as you can create them. You know that don’t you Ashe? Which is why you’ve got to go back to the drawing board. Yes, you beat me but it was by the skin of your Goddamn teeth. But I’m going to deal with you in due time. I have a bit more pressing matters to get to.
K-Remix, you don’t know when to shut the fuck up, do you?
Of course you don’t, I should’ve known that the moment I stepped into this company. Even after I basically handed you your victory during the Wideawake tournament. I figured that you’d be at least somewhat grateful. But just like these entitled little bastards of this generation, you simply wanted to run your mouth some more. Now running your mouth is good if you’re the bastard spawn of Bill O’Reilly and Nancy Grace.
But in this business, you have to know when to shut the fuck up and fight.
Fighting is something that I’ve done all my damn life. When you’re the son of a professional wrestler who was never there, it’s what you have to do. What the fuck have you done? I was winning championships before you were a twinkle in your daddy’s nutsack. Yet, you have the balls to come after me with your useless bullshit. After I handed you the win at Wideawake.
You ungrateful little bitch.
I’m going to beat some smarts into you this Sunday. It’s that fucking simple and honestly, I don’t give a damn about the win here. I’m simply going to beat your fucking ass and make you wish that you never decided to open your fucking mouth. You, obviously, do not know who you are fucking with here. Ask Cody Clark what happened when he decided to fuck with me. Hell, ask Lawrence Jarvis the same damn question. I have a whole list of names that can tell you what happens when you decide to fuck with me.
Yet you’re making the same mistake.
Are you fucking stupid or just plain ignorant? There is a reason that they call me the “Epitome of Violence.” There’s a reason that men shudder at the sound of my name. And on Sunday, you’re going to find out why. You’re going to regret the day that you decided to open your mouth, boy. All because of a prediction on social media that I recanted when I handed you the victory.
You ungrateful little bitch.
I’ll see you Sunday, kid.
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